Lesson 16: It’s Important to Apologize When You Offend Someone.

I have several lessons simmering in the back of my mind. Some are drafts and some are just mere tinders of ideas, waiting for a spark to ignite them. I had fully intended to finish one of those tonight, but after doing my daily wandering of all that the internets have to offer, I realized that based on the amount of “ZOMG, how DARE you, I am SO incredibly OFFENDED” comments popping up on every post I’ve read, I have decided that it’s probably in my best interests not to post that story about the Republican who Spanks her kid With her Cat Whilst Quoting Bible Verses.

In keeping with todays apparent theme, instead I offer you this:
How to Say “I’m Sorry” on The Internet. (Now With Customizable Features!)

(You are Welcome.)

It’s pretty much a fact of life, that no matter how hard you try to avoid it, at some point, you are going to end up offending someone somehow. (This is especially likely when you put anything about anything on the internet, but can happen in many other areas of life as well). So I’ve created the worlds first sincere and customizable form-apology letter that is sure to soothe even the most offended of commenters/Tweeters/your mom. So the next time you inadvertently (or intentionally) offend someone, simply complete this form by circling the applicable terms, and use as necessary

Dear ____

-Sir

-Madam

-Offended Panda

-Mom

Please forgive my recent outburst about __________

-Zucchini

-Religion

-Republicans

-Democrats

-Natural Disasters

-Cakes

-That time I Forgot To Feed My Cat

-Panda Mating Habits

I want you to know that my ____

-Post

-Inauguration Speech

-Facebook Status

-Drunken Phone Call

-Craigslist Posting

-Documentary

-Racist Cake

Was never intended, in any way to ______

-Hurt Your Feelings

-Insult Your Mother’s Brothers’Uncles Friend Who Died By Choking On a Zuchinni

-Make Humans Think That Pandas Are Fat

-Remind You Of That Awful Bad Thing That Really Sucks

-Make Light Of That Really Bad Thing That Really Sucks

-Imply that Cakes Are Racist

-Infringe On The Rights Of Cats And Their Assholes

Please know that _____

– I Was Only Kidding

-I Am A Priest In Real Life And God Said I Could Say That: I Asked

-I Only wrote That Post Because It Was Sponsored By The Makers Of Happy Panda Spam

I Would Never Intentionally Insult Your Panda Manhood

It is Wrong To Make Fun Of Baby Jesus

I Didn’t Mean To Say That Untrue Thing About Upstanding Republicans/Democrats. (Circle One)

-I’m Sorry Mom, Please Do My Laundry Now

Furthermore, I’d like you to know that I know that ______

-Christians

-Cats

-Republicans

-Pandas

-Vegetables

-Cakes

are people too, with deep thoughts and feelings worthy of consideration. Please accept my heartfelt apology. And-If something I (Write/Say/Think) should offend you in the future, please feel free to _____

-Send Me Hate Mail/Mailbombs/Dirty Underwear

-Stop (Reading/Answering The Phone/Following Me On Twitter) entirely

-Leave a flaming bag of panda poop on my porch

-Not Eat The Cake

-Adopt My Cat So He Can Rub His Asshole On Your Stuff Instead

-Ask God To Hit Me With a Frogstorm of Epic Proportions

Sincerely,
Your _____

-Republican/Democrat

-Cat-Loving

-God Fearing

-Anti-Cake

-Panda Worshiping

-Zucchini Hating

friend.

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35 comments
    • Happy to be of service! Just change all the words to “Diabeetus”
      Which is totally NOT “diabetes” and therefore, shall offend no one. Except that old guy with the commercial. But he might not have hands anymore, in which case, will not be able to post any hate comments. Win!
      (I’m going to hell for every word of this.)

      • As a mom to a Type 1 kid who makes jokes constantly about her diabetes, (as do I, and you can’t imagine the dirty looks I get when I tell that if she wasn’t so lazy, she’d make her own damn insulin and save me the trouble of having to inject her with it.) I formally absolve Jenny of any and all need to apologize to the parents of kids with Type 1 diabetics. I wonder if they will take my kid’s diabetes away for that? Or just my card carrying right to be offended by internet silliness about diabetes. I’m not really sure how this works.

      • That’s the thing. Personally, I have 3 (Yes. THREE) chronic illnesses. And a special-needs child who has Aspergers and may be a schizophrenic. And I used to be a vegan. My husband is Jewish. My dad is diabetic. My uncle is a panda who choked to death on a zucchini.
        If I got upset anytime anyone made a joke about anything on the Internet that was personal for me, I’d lose my fucking mind. Instead of flipping out over a joke, save your hate mail and indignation for the ACTUALLY offensive stuff. Like child pornography. And Fox News. And fucking pandas.
        With all the horrible horrible stuff in most of our lives, we need to be able to laugh at it sometimes. Laughter is healthy and healing.
        “Stop being so lazy and MAKE YOUR OWN INSULIN!” Love it. I know it must be godawful and terrifying dealing with a diabetic child sometimes. I admire your ability to laugh anyway.

  1. Oh, fantastic! This is a great tool, and will cover almost every need I have to reply to trolls. I look forward to receiving flaming bags of panda poo from them!!!

    • If a troll leaves you a bad of flaming panda poo, I highly suggest you move. To an area with less pandas. The fact that panda crap is readily available would scare me. Pandas are tricky bastards.

  2. Anna Banana said:

    Perfection! I’m printing multiple copies to keep with me at all times. 🙂

    • Don’t forget to give one to any relatives you may have, and that Panda that lives across the street. He’s offended by your garden statuary collection and it’s notable lack of proper Panda representation.

  3. Mary said:

    now I can only be glad that NO ONE reads my blogs! I only get spam, no hate mail yet!

    • There’s something to be said for obscurity. You can say whatever you want. The more popular you get, the more likely you are to receive death threats over a post about your cat’s asshole.

  4. I’m offended that you could trivialize apologizes into a form letter. This is rude and disrespectful and you should be ashamed of even thinking that when I’m offended constantly by the things people put on the internet that a simple form letter would suffice.

    I expect an apology promptly.

  5. I wonder if that can be used as a preemptive strike. I’ve got plans for this now.

    • Just post it at the top of each post you write and hand copies out before you begin speaking.

  6. I do tend to put my foot in it online. This will help immensely. Thanks.

    P.S. Should you add Vegans, Meat Eaters and People with Elephantiasis to the list?

    • Ah, Vegans! I knew I forgot something! Also, I apologize to the people with elephantitis as I’d forgotten they existed.

  7. suebob said:

    Thanks, jerk. Fine way to make fun of very sensitive commenters. It is posts like this that damage children’s self esteem and contribute to global warming and panda death.

    • I refer you to my letter of apology, which can be seen above.

    • Katlee said:

      I don’t think she’d be too upset about the panda death… at least that’s the idea I’m getting on her panda policies…

  8. Tonya said:

    Internet, hell I need this to hand out at the next family reunion. Will save me the time and energy of constantaly apologising, and free me up for more important things. Like beating the crap out of my religious panda cousin that is a racist. Thanks.

  9. You read the post about not liking pets, didn’t you? Some people are just morons.

    I blogged about something similar myself. Except mine was focused on reality TV because those are my best friends.

    • I think so. (Have you got a link?)

      Have you checked out Ambers (comment #2 here) post about cats? It’s probably 4-5 posts back. Cat ladies will kill your children. Pets are “srsbsns.” I was floored.

      FYI: This is the origination of the term “cat-rapey” and any reference to cat-assholes. (cassholes?)

      I may have made a comment or two about what cats do to you while you are sleeping.

  10. Kate said:

    Funny stuff, and sooooooo many applications for it these days. I’d come up with a teacher version, but I’d get fired for using it.

    • I can see where it would come in handy fir a teacher. I’d go crazy trying to deal with a room full of kids and their crazy hover-parents.

  11. Lisa said:

    Why would anyone complain about cats being racist? It’s like being offended if someone said the world was round. They totally hate all White people! I know because I’m white and I’ve seen it for myself.

    • I think cats are “Speciest” or something. They hate ALL humans.

  12. Wonderful note, I plan to use it frequently. Life is too short for people to get offended by everything. Or protest everything.

  13. Katlee said:

    I’m offended by people who are offended by things! Er, wait, no, that’s not right…

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