Lesson 8: Prince Bob From Zimbabwe Is Not Going To Give You His Money

People, I hate to be the one to break this to you, but: No one on the Internet is going to give you free money. That guy is not really dethroned royalty, he’s a 14 year-old from Toledo who just wants your bank account number so he can buy more porn.

You will not get herpeatitus if you don’t forward that chain mail on to eleventy-hundred people in the next twelve seconds.

No picture of Salma Hayek naked is ever going to ever pop up on your screen after you “Pass this email on to exactly 14 and a half people.”

Refusing to repost something as your Facebook status does not make you a bad Christian or mean you hate veteran kittens with cancer.

(This lesson is especially important if you are my mom. Hi mom! Love you! And Zucchini!)

Please, stop forwarding these things.

Unless it’s this.

If you don’t forward this, your cat will get Feline Syphilisatitis and elephantitis of the anus. And it will be all your fault.

Subject: May I Haz InterGalactic Credits Plz?

FROM: LUKE and LEIA SKYWALKER.
NAWARA VEN
REBEL REFUGEE CAMP, BESPIN
REPUBLIC OF CLOUD CITY

Dearest One, My name is Luke and my sister’s name Leia. We are the children of Late General Skywalker the former Director of Military Intelligence and special acting General Manager of the Rebel Alliance (RA). I am contacting you to seek your good assistance to transfer and invest Five million seven hundred and twenty thousand Galactic Credits (gc5,720,000.00) belonging to my late father which is deposited in a bank here on Bespin.

This money is revenues from solid minerals and diamond sale which were under my father’s possession before the civil war broke out. Following the break out of the war, almost all government offices, corporations and parastatals were attacked and vandalized. The RA headquarters was looted and burnt down to ashes, and diamonds worth millions of galactic credits were stolen by the imperial military forces that attacked my father’s office. Many top government officials and senior army officers were assassinated and my father was a key target because of his very sensitive military position and appointment in the RA.

Regrettably, my father was captured and murdered in cold blood during a midnight rebel shoot-out when our official residence on Tatooine was ambushed by Darth Tyranus the notorious rebel leader. My aunt sustained very sever laser injuries which resulted in her untimely and painful death in a private hospital here in Cloud City. Now we are alone in a totally strange country without parents, relatives or anybody to care for us at our tender ages.

Before our aunt died, she told us that our father deposited some credits which he made from diamond sales and deposited it in a bank here in Bespin, and that we should pray and find a trust worthy foreign business partner who will help us to transfer and invest these credits in profitable business venture off planet. She told us to do this quickly so that we can leave Bespin with our droids-C3PO and R2D2 who are here in the camp with us and, then settle down abroad. She gave us the bank document to prove the deposit and then told us that my father used my name as the only son to deposit the money in the bank. She told us that this is the reason why we came to Bespin. My aunt died after wards. May the Force be with her.

I have gone to the InterGalactic Banking Clan to make inquires about these credits and I spoke with the Manager of Interplanetary remittance who assured me that everything is intact and promised to help me transfer the credits to my foreign partner’s bank account as soon as I provide my partner’s foreign bank account for them. However, the manager is very concerned because of my age. I am 19 years old and as such advised that I should look for a matured person that will represent me at the bank. If you are willing to assist us, please let us know immediately so that you will arrange the transfer of the credits to your account with the bank. Please note that we will offer you 20% of the total credits as compensation for your noble assistance in accordance with my aunt’s advice. We are interested in any profitable commercial venture which you consider very good on your planet, and you would also get a school for me and my little sister and droids so that we can finish our education on your planet. Please there is urgent need for the credits to be transferred to your account and I am hoping to hear your urgent response so that I cannot look for another foreign partner. Thank you and may the force be with you and your dear family.

Yours sincerely,

Luke and Leia Skywalker

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4 comments
  1. Lisa said:

    Okay, wow, How much money is needed? I don’t have much but if Luke and Lea Skywalker need it then it muct be important! …

    Wait, have I lost the point of this post? … Nah, I think it makes perfect sense, will a thousand pounds do?

    • Absolutely. Please send it to Luke and Leia, c/o EB Cummings, 1234 Texas Street, Texas, 54321

  2. polerin said:

    What is the current exchange rate between ZWD and GC? I might be able to help you out if you first transfer a bit of money into MY bank account, which I will use to secure a lawyer and gain access to my grandparent’s holdings.

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