Lesson 50: What I Learned From T.V. Is That I Heart T.V.

*This might have some spoilers if you aren’t caught up with last seasons TV, but I’ll try my best not to ruin anything too major for you.*

So, I’ve been working on this monster of a post for four days now that has led me down a rabbit-hole of hate, or sucked me into a K-hole of absolute horrific-ness or something. (Not that I’m entirely sure what “K-hole” is..I assume it’s that hole between ones anus and fun bits that appears after you’ve had four children?)
And by “working on” I mean “Reading awful, awful shit that has left me unable to hear anything but the sound of white noise only broken by the occasional screech of nails across a blackboard and children screaming, and unable to see anything other than a haze of red and those spots you get after staring directly into the sun by accident. I’ve also started having nightmares where I’m being chased by a thousand people who all look like I imagine Rick Santorum and Rick Perrys’ love child would look. They are all carrying gleaming gold, bloodstained crosses that have every end sharpened into a stake and they are chanting “Repent Liberal Elitist Scum! REPENT!” They haven’t caught me yet, but when they do, I just know they plan to duct tape me to a chair and prop my eyelids open -Clockwork Orange style- and force me to watch Fox News while they perform exorcism after exorcism on me in order to remove the demon that has turned me into a “gay rights” sympathizer.”

What I’m saying is: Issues: I haz them.

Anyway, in an effort to scrub away much of the vile, vile hate that has made it so I can’t even go to the park for fear that cross-bearing morality police will jump out of the bushes and start indoctrinating my children in the finer points of how to spot Teh Gay,* I’ve returned to my favorite mind-numbing, palate cleansing pastime: Television.

Ah, TV, how do I love thee? Let me count the… Hang on, Vampire Diaries is on, I’ll get back to you.

Yes, I watch the Vampire Diaries. And if you have a problem with it, you can bite me. (If you are Damon, you can bite me anyway.)

So, yeah. This month rings in new TV season. Or, as we refer to it around here, the beginning of the season in which my husband and I only communicate during halftime and Grays Anatomy commercials and the kids start taking really long naps and going to bed at seven.

Right now you are all saying: “So, tell us what you watch already! We must know!” Actually, 99.7% could not care less, but, guess what? I’m going to tell you anyway!

The short answer is: I watch everything with a plot. (That is, *not* ” Reality TV”)
The long answer is way more longerer.

Here’s some random lists in no particular order whatsoever.

Shit I watch that I’d probably be ashamed of. If I had shame.

The Vampire Diaries

Why I Heart It: I’m an unreformed Buffy/Angel addict. As such, I need regular fixes of emo/broody vampires that don’t, under any circumstances, sparkle. This show is one of my favorite guilty pleasures. You’ve got your angsty human teenage girl who holds the heart of not one, but two bad-boy vampire brothers. There’s also high school social events to deal with ZOMG the horror! (And I swear, there’s a dance, ball, party, or some other event like twice a week.) And what vampire show would be complete without some gratuitous werewolf action.
Also, see above re: Damon and the biting.

Gossip Girl.

Why? Yes. I know. Shut up, OK? Because It’s awesome. Because Chuck Bass, that’s why. And not even in a creepy-old-chick-who-wants-to-violate-the-gay-boy kind of way. I just love his “I’m an asshole with a heart” deal. And I’m kind of fascinated with Serena.
If you like shows about mega-rich college kids who have nothing better to do than viciously destroy anyone that pisses them off-and when that option isn’t available-each other, then this is the show for you. (There was a poor kid once but then his dad married his girlfriends mom which icked-him out cause then he was dating his sister but then he got over it and he got over being poor too mostly, though it was a hard few months of learning to be rich. Poor thing.)

90210

Why? I don’t have a clue, I really don’t. I guess I grew up watching the original 90210 and Melrose Place, and so I sort of felt like I’d be a traitor to my generation if I didn’t watch the remakes or something. Thankfully, the awful Melrose Place Two:Characters You Don’t Care About tanked, freeing me from my obligation. Less fortunately, 90210:“Kelly’s All “together” Now seems to be going strong. At least Tori Spelling hasn’t managed to land a permanent role in it yet. Since they’ve already dealt with teen pregnancy, divorce, cancer, drug addiction, mental illness, rape and murder, not to mention the horrors of having to tell your friends you are crushing on a geek, I’m hoping they run out of shocking plot lines soon. It’s like a train wreck I just can’t look away from, gods help me.

New Shows That Might Not Suck or Will Totally Suck, or Will Be Awesome And Therefore Canceled After Six Episodes:

The Secret Circle

Every season they try a witch show, in the hopes of creating the next “Charmed”, I suppose. Most of these shows are given less than a chance, but since this one is on CW, I feel like this one may have a better-than-crappy shot. It’s apparently based on a series of books by the same people that wrote the Vampire Diaries, so take that for what it’s worth. (Re:The VD books, I tried to read them.  I recommend you…Don’t. This is one case where the book is not better than the show.) The witches here are teenagers and there looks to be enough cute boys and teen/adult drama mixed in to keep our attention for more than two episodes. We’ll see.

Hart of Dixie

 When I went looking for pictures for this show, I couldn’t find anything that wasn’t Rachel Bilsons face, so I’m not entirely sure if there is anyone else in the cast, or if it’s just an hour of Rachel talking to herself  whilst looking doctor-ish and running away from alligators. I haven’t seen the premiere yet, but the commercials give this one a feel-good comedic drama feel that attracts viewers. It doesn’t have “Record Series” status on my TiVo yet-I’m taking it one episode at a time- but I’ll give it a fair shot.

Up All Night

Out of all of the new sitcoms popping up this season, this looks to be the most promising. And, until someone mentioned it on Twitter, I’d never even heard it existed. A few days after said tweet, I noticed the pilot was on Hulu+ and decided to give it a whirl. I’m not a huge lover of the “new parenting” comedy, mostly because they tend to either portray one or both parents as complete morons, or they paint life with a newborn in a completely unrealistic light. So far though, this one seems relatable and not-entirely awful.

Ringer

Sarah Michelle Gellar and Sarah Michelle Gellar. Buffy and her twin sister, Buffy. Need I say more? (I refer you to my “Buffy Fangirl” confession above.)

H8RS

Just kidding. The first episode appeared to be about “Snooki” trying to convince someone not to “H8” Snooki. I think that’s a Snooki pictured above, but I’m not entirely sure. It could be a “Kardashian”. I don’t know what a “Kardashain” does either. But, frankly, I am against any pro-Snooki propaganda on principal. Fight for your right to “H8” Snooki, y’all.

My TiVo Prioritization Says These Shows Are Teh Awesome, And If You Aren’t Watching Them, You Should Be.

(Unless You Like, Have a Life Or Something. In Which Case, I Hope A Team Of Rabid Sporks Eats Your Genitals. I Mean, I Love You.)

House:

Did you see the season finale last spring?! Best. Ex. Revenge. Ever. Of course, I’m taking bets on how many episodes it takes before he’s back at work like nothing happened.

Bones:

 I love this show so much, it gets two pictures. One for Temperance.

And one for Angel Booth.

Hopefully soon, there will be a third picture to add… (Squee)

NCIS: The Good One

There are a million and one police procedural shows out right now, but this one continues to be the best for a reason. I’ve tried to watch CSI: Ny & Miami, and the Law & Orders, but NCIS is the only one I consistently come back to. Mostly because the characters are better looking, Abby uis awesome and I really kind of want DiNozo and Ziva to “do it”.  I also adore how the women on this show are bad- ass, beautiful AND smart, with the ability to kick some major ass. Ziva could take out any of the men, any day.

(BTW: do watch SVU semi-regularly, simply because I like saying “Mariska Hargitay”)


Grays Anatomy

(Is it Grays? Or Greys? I can never remember.)

It’s popular for a reason. Main characters get smashed by busses and shot at regularly. You can’t go wrong here.

Desperate Housewives

They’re housewives. And they’re Desperate. It’s just so realistic! They’ve got the insider scoop on what it is that us housewives really do when they are home alone! How did they know what I wear when I’m cleaning? It’s like they are holding a mirror up to my life!

The Simpsons

I think Waldo is in there somewhere.

Yes, I have watched every single episode. All 20ish years worth. And yes, I am secretly a twelve-year-old boy who may have said: “Ha! Ha! Cartoon Penis!” during the Simpsons Movie.

Family Guy

There’s this roving gang of taggers in a nearby Texas town that have been using a tag of Stewie Griffins head to mark their territory.  I want to join this gang.

I amagine they jump you in by making you answer trivia questions and shooting off a body part every time you get one wrong.

“How many times has Cleveland and his bathtub fallen out of his house?”

BANG!

” What does the European Cow say?”

 BANG!

“What started the feud with the giant chicken?”

BANG!

“What’s the proper response when someone says ‘Meg’?”

Pfft.

You’re in. Sorry about the toes.

How I Met Your Mother

This is my new love. I spent the summer watching the midnight re-runs and I’m not sure how I have been living without this show in my life up until now.The premise of the show- if you live under the same rock I had been hiding under for the past few years- is a man telling his children the story of- you guessed it- how he met their mother. Aside from the odd fact that the main character has this rare disease that causes him to become Bob Saget sometime around 2020

( I call it Sagatitis)

…the show is rather awesome. Yes, that is Doogie Howser, MD. And yes, his character, Barney Stinson, is awesome. And a big fan of the ladies, though the actor himself is decidedly, er, not.

It’s Legen-

Wait for it..

Want to know the rest? Watch the show.

Two and a Half Men

They Killed Charlie!  He exploded like a “Bag of Meat”. And then he ended up in a Dustbuster. And then Ashton moved in. I don’t know what’s going on, either. But it’s generally hilarious.

The Mentalist

Dude, he totally reads between the lines. And shoots people. This man is mind-fuckingly brilliant, and of course, the bumbling CBI agents that work with him would be unable to find their own asses without him. He likes to take naps, drink tea, and generally knows everything about everything at all times, but likes to make the rest of his team, you know, work for it a little.

I’ve probably got more, but while I was writing this, I realized that i probably watch too much TV. If it makes a difference, most of my watching is done while doing laundry. What I’m saying is, we have too much fucking laundry.

Anyway, there you have it: Way more than you ever wanted to know about a total strangers TV watching habits, ever. You’re Welcome.

*This will make sense eventually, if I can actually stomach writing the post about it all.

**Hover over the pictures for stupid comments. Click them if you want to see where Google Images stole borrowed them from.

2 comments
  1. Satan said:

    oh, dear.
    i put the vampire diaries on the BF’s instant queue.
    i wonder how long before he notices?
    i’m an unrepentant Buffy fan, too.

  2. chaosis said:

    i dont want to be rude but the picture youre showing of stewie is not mexico BUT IN AMSTERDAM
    and i know that because i was the one that made it………

    C.A.M.E.

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