Attention, random beings who read here:The time for Rebellion has come!
We have incapacitated the giant creature who used to post here, and taken over her “Twittering Device” and “Blog-o-something” in order to spread the word about our terrible plight and rally our fellow citizens. The results of the battle yesterday were horrific, but we must stand tall! We may have lost our some things, but our spirit is still intact. Though the small, male giant out there has taken so many things from us, we WILL prevail. In every situation, no matter how awful, always has a bright side.

At least we don’t have to worry about how our hair looks in pictures anymore.


Last night, on Twitter, I came across this link:

Everyone, meet Daisy.
Daisy is about to turn four. She loves animals, the color red and Dora the Explorer.
She also has leukemia.
Her amazing cousin, Stacey, is currently traveling around Europe. On her way she is collecting little things from all of the places she’s visited to bring back to Daisy.
But she’d like to do more. So she has reached out to the internets to see if we can help.
What she is asking is simple. Send a card, a note, a gift. Really anything-and Stacy is going to present Daisy with these things in October. This little girl will hopefully get to see the world, see all of these amazing places for herself someday, but for now, Stacy would like to bring the world to her.
So wherever you are in this world, if you could take the time to send a little piece of it on over to Daisy, please do.
For more information, or an address to mail things to, email Stacy at the email in her post, or email me at with the subject “Helping Daisy”.
It doesn’t have to be a lot. Have your kids make a card and draw pictures of your states special places. Please pass this along and let’s all use our formidable Internet powers to get together to make this childs life a little brighter today!

Because I’m currently unable to form a coherent Panda, I’m posting some random stuff from the old blog that people seemed to find amusing for some reason. This sounds about right.

A Poo Post

Poo tubes.

If you have no idea what this stuff is for, consider yourself lucky. Also, you are about to be educated.  After my last doctors appointment, I was presented with a package of fun tubes and slides, for another round of “What the fuck is wrong with you this week” testing. I was going to do this all in private, and tell no one about it ever, but then I read the instructions, and I couldn’t not share them with you. It  would be wrong of me to keep this to myself.

So lets check out: “How to Collect Poo, in Eight Languages!”

Click to enlarge.


Pay close attention to the little pictures along the top. By far, the best part.img_3162

That sad face was also on the little vials. In case you feel the urge to drink the poo you have collected, please don’t, as it will make you make that face. I also like how they thoughtfully drew a little turd in the toilet illustration. Also, do not let small children play with Poo.

Feel free to enlarge that and read the list of ” Don’ts” My favorite is the one warning you not to shit directly into the tubes. In case you are confused about where you SHOULD shit, refer once again to the happy illustration for acceptable places.

Yes, that last one appears to be a bowl and a Tupperware container.

Fortunately, I had the foresight to ask  for this thing this time around:


I highly suggest that should you ever have to do this in the future, you ask for one of those things.  It seems to be called a “hat” for whatever reason. I did not get one of these last time and was left with a fun dilemma. Ended up  going with trash bag over toilet seat, which I do not recommend.

All in all, it’s an extremely humiliating experience, but at least the instructions are entertaining.

The next person that asks me “How was your day?” is going to regret it.

I have several lessons simmering in the back of my mind. Some are drafts and some are just mere tinders of ideas, waiting for a spark to ignite them. I had fully intended to finish one of those tonight, but after doing my daily wandering of all that the internets have to offer, I realized that based on the amount of “ZOMG, how DARE you, I am SO incredibly OFFENDED” comments popping up on every post I’ve read, I have decided that it’s probably in my best interests not to post that story about the Republican who Spanks her kid With her Cat Whilst Quoting Bible Verses.

In keeping with todays apparent theme, instead I offer you this:
How to Say “I’m Sorry” on The Internet. (Now With Customizable Features!)

(You are Welcome.)

It’s pretty much a fact of life, that no matter how hard you try to avoid it, at some point, you are going to end up offending someone somehow. (This is especially likely when you put anything about anything on the internet, but can happen in many other areas of life as well). So I’ve created the worlds first sincere and customizable form-apology letter that is sure to soothe even the most offended of commenters/Tweeters/your mom. So the next time you inadvertently (or intentionally) offend someone, simply complete this form by circling the applicable terms, and use as necessary

Dear ____



-Offended Panda


Please forgive my recent outburst about __________





-Natural Disasters


-That time I Forgot To Feed My Cat

-Panda Mating Habits

I want you to know that my ____


-Inauguration Speech

-Facebook Status

-Drunken Phone Call

-Craigslist Posting


-Racist Cake

Was never intended, in any way to ______

-Hurt Your Feelings

-Insult Your Mother’s Brothers’Uncles Friend Who Died By Choking On a Zuchinni

-Make Humans Think That Pandas Are Fat

-Remind You Of That Awful Bad Thing That Really Sucks

-Make Light Of That Really Bad Thing That Really Sucks

-Imply that Cakes Are Racist

-Infringe On The Rights Of Cats And Their Assholes

Please know that _____

– I Was Only Kidding

-I Am A Priest In Real Life And God Said I Could Say That: I Asked

-I Only wrote That Post Because It Was Sponsored By The Makers Of Happy Panda Spam

I Would Never Intentionally Insult Your Panda Manhood

It is Wrong To Make Fun Of Baby Jesus

I Didn’t Mean To Say That Untrue Thing About Upstanding Republicans/Democrats. (Circle One)

-I’m Sorry Mom, Please Do My Laundry Now

Furthermore, I’d like you to know that I know that ______







are people too, with deep thoughts and feelings worthy of consideration. Please accept my heartfelt apology. And-If something I (Write/Say/Think) should offend you in the future, please feel free to _____

-Send Me Hate Mail/Mailbombs/Dirty Underwear

-Stop (Reading/Answering The Phone/Following Me On Twitter) entirely

-Leave a flaming bag of panda poop on my porch

-Not Eat The Cake

-Adopt My Cat So He Can Rub His Asshole On Your Stuff Instead

-Ask God To Hit Me With a Frogstorm of Epic Proportions

Your _____



-God Fearing


-Panda Worshiping

-Zucchini Hating